Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and enjoy life!!

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

   HOODTRANSLATIONS: "Bruh I got da whip"= My mother was kind enough to let me use the car Today.....

   doesn't care if his neighbors see him walking around in his Spiderman boxers. It's Tuesday!

   puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.

   It's pretty hot today, but I'll take the heat over the cold any time. Heat = slight sweaty discomfort; drink cold water as needed. Cold = Physical pain of the extremities; sit in a hot tub and dont get out until spring .

   BREAKING NEWS: BP Tries Adding Balsamic Vinegar to Oil

   Been married for 3 months now, when is it appropriate to start leaving the bathroom door open when taking a dump?

   What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

   Watching the news... Oh Look its a new report in India... AAaaand Its RAPE!

   When I say you are pretty, don't thank me thank God.

   My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat when shes in it. I gave her a scale

   i was in a jehovah witness hall yesterday, they started speaking in tounge, I swear they sounded like a honda accord going in reverse.

   My night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil!

   Some sick f##ks in this world I tell you.. That sicko in Norway who killed 87 kids needs to be given the same treatment.. Line him up and 86 members of his vile family and torture them until they cry for mercy and then finish them off.

   Sean Kingston says 'somebody call 911'

   U.S Quiz - Which Donald is a cartoon, a clown and the Republicans' top choice for President?

   I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

   The only time its acceptable for a girl 2 spit is if its into another girls mouth