Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to type correctly but lack of sleep and too much wine don't help

   just given murderous primatives the power of fire!

   If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit them in the head with a brick.

   going over his plans for world domination and all those who have crossed him in the past will be unmercifully slaughtered....have a great day!!

   Forget a 5 star chick... I rather have a 6 flag chick... More flags more fun!!!

   Paul the octupus will be a hero if Spain wins the football worldcup!!!

   Don't call my name, Cilantro!

   WOW did you ever really look at the word "manslaughter"? Mans Laughter, that's just sick... LOL

   seriously doubting that the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about

   This just in, Paul the octopus is dead. Paul was "asked" if Farve was going to stay retired. Witnesses report that Paul changed color's rapidly, vibrated slightly and then exploded.

   wants a snuggie made out of shamwows

   fell asleep at the wheel while driving...started dreaming of the same road that I was on...except I was in a different car..thank god I was dreaming in real time.

   First they say that the Constitution guarantees privacy and then they send your Report card to your parents.

   Enjoy life and don't think about it. There's nothing we can do but have fun with what time we have.

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto " ;D

   put a dyslexic joke on FB. Unfortunately, I have some dyslexic friends. I never heard the den of it from them!

   "Hi, I have a liberal arts degree. Would you like fries with that?"

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   what do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A Crazy Beotch that will find you wherever you go!

   my daughter asked my wife if I loved her, mommys responses was, "yes dear, daddy loves everyone...he is on prozac"