Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   recovering from this long work day with my friend, Char...donnay!

   I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

   Nobody remembers who came in second. Bernie who.....?

   The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".

   Why is Dr. Ben Carson still in the Republican presidential race? We don't need a crazy brain surgeon as our next leader.

   We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!

   So blunt you could smoke me.

   If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

   Devil with the blue dress on...oh wait is that a Gold dress. Well, either way .....the prince of darkness is a cross-dresser.

   Harrison Fords plane crashed??? I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area

   Sam Smith's voice should be a scented candle. Just sayin'...

   Dating is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

   You ever wonder why eye glasses don't exist in the future? Star Wars? No glasses. Star Trek? No glasses. Battle Star Galatica? No glasses. No one wears glasses in the future! Something to look forward to.

   Are you a cigarette? Cause you got a hot butt !

   Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

   giving a warning to America.... Wayne Rooney.

   "The sweetest age in the world is sixteen, or whatever age your daughter is."

   life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning how to dance in the rain!

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   The trick is not how much pain you feel - but how much joy you feel... Any idiot can feel pain... Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses...