Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.

   "In this jungle are the world's deadliest snakes. Let's go see what they're up to." ~ white folks

   Mike Pence isn't praying hard enough for us. I'm beginning to think he doesn't care about us at all.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that it turned Jake from State Farm black...

   If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Imagine the conversations between the fly on the wall and the elephant in the room after everyone leaves.

   Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   Pollen is just flower jizz.

   I guess I have to set my phone on OKC mode this weekend........No Rings!

   LOL!!!! we need more post like the mirror one, your slacking here people!

   The key to a womens heart is... giving her all of yours! <3

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I bet Carroll Shelby went from Alive to Dead in less than 10 seconds

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status - after three times it should default to unstable

   Naked pic's of George Clooney.....crap this isn't Google

   “Are you asleep?” “No! I was in a comma, thanks for saving me."

   I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

   A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.