Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.

   Attention: Females take dumps too, they just do it more graciously. But it still stinks just as bad.

   Redneck word of the day - Asthma: I don't know if I can go or not. Lemme asthma wife

   finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   Honey Boo-Boo endorsed Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Was that so momma could buy their paint chips on a snap card?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again when the rain has passed.

   Go to google, type in "Who is the cutest" and click on "I m feeling lucky" :D

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   Driving cars is like having sex, all guys think they're good at it