Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only I had alzheimer's , then I too could join the easter egg hunt. :(

   R.I.P Paul The Psychic Octopus... Coming to a Sushi bar near you!

   San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals.... Mayor McCheese vows to "Take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary"

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain ...

   AHHHH-CHOO!!!........٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶....If you are allergic to bullcrap, drama queens, head games, liars, two-faced fake people, keep this sneeze going.....

   Why is Lou Dobbs hiring illegal aliens when Toni Braxton needs the work?

   RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE

   hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.

   Colts..."Who's got big ball's, We got big ball's, we got the biggest balls of them all!!!!

   Talk about keeping up with the Kardashians, Bruce is growing breasts. . .

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   Some girls are like blunts.... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   No thanks, bodybuilder chicks with clits that look like a baby's pen*s

   Finally Bert and Ernie can quit living in sin!!! #onelove

   Went to the gym this morning and was amazed by this one chicks extreme workout . She must of done at least 5- 6 reps of selfies .

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.