Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.

   Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.

   Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   Everyone google "Tulsa Tower Guy" He's a crazy naked black guy that climbed this 300ft tower 6 days ago and they can't get him down!

   my daughters convinced me to take in a stray cat they found. in retrospect, I really should be clearer and more specific with my wishing!

   even the sweetest memories have a bitter taste

   hates that epic fail of not removing a yoghurt top in one piece!

   Would it be a good thing if I woke up feeling like P.Diddy? WTF's that mean anyway?!!

   Bad things come In 3's. First the earthquake, then the hurricane, then the zombies..