Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.

   My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.

   What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.

   If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.

   Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...

   I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!

   says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.