Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   It's a bad day to be a witch.

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   Kim: Honey, I haven’t heard your name in the news for over a week! Quick, say or do something stupid! Kanye: Hold my beer...

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?