Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Okay who the hell unfollowed me?"

   promoting global warming.

   Advanced age my butt. The Pope is stepping down to take a job at the Boy Scouts because of the shortage of alter boys.

   My homeless Sign would be... "Why live in a 1 million dollar house, when you could live under a 30 million dollar bridge"

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!

   Trump said the Iran agreement was the worst deal ever...... Guess he forgot his $130,000 deal with Stormy

   Lets party like a White Guy who thinks he's black and has some black friends but most of his friends are white!!

   Now matter how old you are, No matter how much you think you're a Badass.. If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!

   spitting in your general direction

   going to the dark side they have cookies

   Adam: oh look the McRib is back Eve: stop calling me that!!!

   it's so hot the jalapenos in my garden were all standing over in the shade.

   Opportunity knocks but once... if Opportunity knocks twice...Opportunity walks in and steals your TV set

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up

   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   If you wouldn't wear your GF shirt that has rhinestones and glitter, why would it be ok to wear one that has some other guys name on it that reads Ed Hardy?

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!