Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that awkward moment when your sisters new boyfriend is sitting on the porch and doesn't realize my WHOLE family was watching him when he wiped his booger on the front porch!

   So the name of the show will now be One and a Half Men and a Douche?

   Hey there, I'm your hopes and dreams, I won't be around for long so lemme make this quick. I am being destroyed by everyone. Mostly the president. And shake-weight.

   The new facebook photo viewer is so Biebish!

   wondering who paid $40000 for a lock of Justin biebers hair. Maybe a paedophile wants to use the DNA to clone him.

   Trying to forget someone who once beat the crap out of you is like trying to remember someone you never met

   Life without bears would be unbearable‏

   Lance Amstrong! You know what they say! Once you learn how to ride a bike on performance enhancing drugs, you never forget!

   Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

   I have never heard the word Weiner said so much on TV before.....it's like an on air sausage-fest.

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   I would have emailed sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

   Just Because You Know My Name Doesn't Mean You KNOW Me

   hates it when someone constantly complains about the town they live it. Here's a thought.....move if you don't like it! But quit your bit#&ing!

   wondering what all the Vegitarians are doing for Thanksgiving.

   This job thing is for the birds, how does one go about signing up for the welfare?

   never, ever, ever under any circumstances take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night

   made two batches of brownies at a friend's house, one plain and one special. accidentally brought the wrong batch home to my very mormon mother. she's laughing her ass off at george carlin right now

   Brett Favre was fined $50,000. That's a slap on the back of the hand. They didn't want to slap the front because God knows where it's been recently.

   Lady at the table next time mine just told the waiter "Oh, I just wanted one teabag with that." I'm holding back the laughter.