Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   She's not my girl but I get her to smile

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse.

   We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble wrap...

   The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip

   One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?

   How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok

   Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.

   Being Single on Valentine's Day just reminds how pathetic some people are, and how awesome I still am for Being Single on Valentine's Day."

   Mad Facebook gets a multi billion dollar tax break

   I thought Canadian was a religion.

   I resent the term alcoholic, I prefer the term spiritual.

   #1 female lie: "I have a headache" #1 male lie: "I'm on my way"

   Tomorrow is Steak and BJ Day. I won't be celebrating. It's not like anyone would treat me to Steak and Berry Juice anyway...

   Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.

   While playing football with friends: Fat guy = goalkeeper.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat