Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!

   Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

   The higher you put your hopes, the more it hurts when they fall.

   NEWS ALERT!!! Jack Bauer was the one who 'double tapped' Bin Laden.

   ..that WINNING but than instant LOSER feeling you get when a girl sends you a sexy pic, and you look at the message details only to find that their are 9 other numbers above yours...awkward...

   I hate it that I can't bounce a tic tac on my pencil...

   I dont believe in Santa...but with no money in my pocket ....I think I will change my opinion about him.....

   You can't get greater in life if your still tryin to get even.

   who said that men can't multitask. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time.

   burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

   Send me your FarmVille invitation... So, I can have it foreclosed and evicted by the end of the day.

   will give you advice now. If you are shopping for a gift for a child, do not buy Moon Sand. It doesn't matter if it costs $19.95 and comes in a brightly colored package, it's still WET SAND.

   IF YOU DONT LIKE MY OPINION OF YOU, YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE

   take your reeboks off you teeth and stop running your mouth

   trying to figure out a way to text 'off' to my alarm so I don't have to get up.

   Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

   she didn't think it was as funny when her plans for a Dutch Oven backfired.

   How many crap loads are there in a sh*t ton again? cuz that's exactly how Cleveland feels like right now...

   Watching tear jerker movies and eating big bowls of ice cream .. anybody got a Tampax ?

   The difference between me and R. Kelly is that when I pee on people I am swimming in a lake.