Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   March 4th. I like tomorrows date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   Porn does nothing to me but cause hard feelings anymore

   Many years ago, I was kicked out of the Beastie Boys for suggesting that partying was more of a privilege than a right.

   That weird moment when you're talking in class, then your friend stops talking & you see that your teacher is looking right at u

   The doctor told me I was borderline diabetic. So I told the doctor, 'What are you getting racial for? Why do you got to say 'borderline,''cause I'm Mexican? Can't you say 'almost'?'

   Met someone today at the dentist with only a dollar to their name all they could afford was buck teeth

   I bet George Wendt's web browser has a lot of open tabs.

   Did you hear about the new Emo/Action film? They just cut to the chase scene.

   Attack life,... it's gonna kill you anyway.!!!

   i know you have an open mind..... I can see what's in ur head...nothing

   a light eater . As soon as it is light he starts eating.

   Samsung infuse 4G AT&T comercial, with The Lady SCREAMING and the guy Beating the phone with his shoe... Please Hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Thank you

   finally its Jail for Whitey Bulger, brings a new meaning to tighty Whitey

   Down with OPD (Other People's Drama)

   what was that saying from that commercial from the '70's...don't mess with mother nature.

   I used to spend anywhere between $90-$200 on ed hardy shirts..now I use them as rags to clean my car... smh

   The awkward moment when you try to end a conversation with "your mum" and they reply "that's what she said"...

   it me or is majority of your high school friends more ‘Antisocial' these days on Facebook. Like we're all strangers or something…..No? Ok its not just me.

   I love when girls say "i don't mind" as if anyone cares...

   I know what love is..Thats like someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a damn cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.