Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sunday's best part: Reminding everyone of a new long week at work.

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   Can you imagine how scary the Wendy William's Pushing Out a Baby Face looks?

   woke up having unintentionally lost his virginity to a newly unsprung spring in the bed :(

   making a Sexual Bucket List: 50 Things to Do Sexually Before You Die

   In the Costa Concordia movie, the main character should be an Italian cruise ship crash investigator who was planning to retire this week.

   I see ole' Beverly Perdue is packing her Government bags and headed back to her husband Frank's Chicken farm! "Pluck them feathers woman!" heehee

   One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries...

   You see a lovely group of friends at a dinner party, I see a bunch of people being forced to hold in their farts.

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Fortune cookie from last night. "Bad luck, and misfortune, will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity." What's this. Some kind of sick Chinese joke.

   I will never let my life be defined by my reactions to what other people think, say or do. Greatness lies just past pettiness.

   For the record, nerd girls punch harder than nerd guys

   I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years

   What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous? I stare... I smile... And when I get tired I put the mirror down!

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   he drew a flower on the ky intense box.....sigh, ...i love him