Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   All I want for Christmas is lots of bubble wrap

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   Sometimes I prefer to use my face for emoticons.

   You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.

   Causing a scene runs in my family.

   Lunch 11:35 This bible verse always keeps me going....

   A new U.S. political television ad from Marco Rubio touts 'Morning in America,' but the opening skyline is unmistakably Vancouver, Canada.

   If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" in the mirror 3 times....a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite drinks at Starbucks.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let my girlfriend sleep.

   Canadians: What are these igloo-dwelling hosers who can no longer apply to be "Jeopardy!" contestants.

   I am so glad I don't hunt animals, I have no clue where gluten-free tacos live?!?!

   There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it

   Skip Pi Day instead it's Steak and BJ Day, I like my steak medium and my blow job well done.

   I haven't lost my virginity yet cause I never lose, I'm a winner I want to win.

   People say cherry blossoms are beautiful. I see death by allergies. Achooooo!!!

   ..... Attended a Reverse Ressurrection at the Cemetery today.