Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.

   Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.

   My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...

   the best way to end up divorced...get married.

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   When someone says they are sending you an email and if you don't see it check your spam mail, you always gotta wonder why their account got flagged in the first place

   Hollywood is way out of touch. This new show on every channel is so lame...

   How am I supposed to make an educated decision when I dont know what the hell skinny tastes like!!!

   If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   hipsters: being uncool on purpose since 1979...don't believe me? I heard it on vinyl...

   loves a liquid lunch!!

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   Skinny jeans are like calories....easy to put on, impossible to take off

   I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!

   Has anyone attempted "The Drive Thru" in reverse??

   After I die, there are some girls on facebook I’m going to haunt the s&it out of.

   I love honeymoon but without the marriage.