Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.

   Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.

   My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...

   the best way to end up divorced...get married.

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   When someone says they are sending you an email and if you don't see it check your spam mail, you always gotta wonder why their account got flagged in the first place

   Hollywood is way out of touch. This new show on every channel is so lame...

   How am I supposed to make an educated decision when I dont know what the hell skinny tastes like!!!

   If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   hipsters: being uncool on purpose since 1979...don't believe me? I heard it on vinyl...

   loves a liquid lunch!!

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   Birds eye have recalled all there fish products as the contain traces of sea horse...

   why do ppl say they are "under the weather"?....unless ur an astronaut, were all under the weather

   Just heard a guy spent his whole $1000 tax return at the strip club in 1 night. Why do I always miss the cool parties?

   It’s always difficult to maintain that air of manliness when it comes to the ‘sucking her nipples' part

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   only Washington can call a decrease in the increase a budget cut...

   I have never prayed so hard in my life that the new Pope that walks out onto that balcony is Dennis Rodman.