Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.

   DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]

   In Greek mythology, the half-man half-horse creature would gallop around and shout obscenities so that he could be the centaur of attention.

   "Trump University is my first choice and University of Phoenix is my safety school." --A scholastically challenged person in 2007

   I would like to officially nominate Cersei Lannister to be the one to finally separate Church and State .... Once and For All!!!

   Just wondering if Trump's "Make America Great Again" caps will be even more patriotic this Fourth of July.

   Black Jives Shatter

   House of Representatives 2016: Shooting off guns -- do nothing. Shooting off emails -- hold thorough televised investigative hearings.

   Your credit history may be a determining factor when applying for a loan or to be a future Trump supporter.

   "What difference – at this point, what difference does it make?" ------------ Melania Trump's testimony at the Benghazi Hearings on May 8, 2013

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   My drunk Uncle Jerry was runner up for Trump's new campaign manager.

   so Trump is off to visit Mexico?. I hope his security detail is up to scratch.

   Trump promises to give generals 30 days to create a plan to defeat ISIS. He also wants them to create a perfume and shoot the ads or they'll be fired.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now