Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.

   Are self driving cars the brothel of the future?

   Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild

   If you want to know who your real facebook fiends are all you have to do is post that you got a new phone and need numbers.

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   So if no one posted pictures of the lunar eclipse for friends who don't look up from their phones did it really happen?

   After much consideration I've decided not to host the Grammys this year.

   happy vALONEtine's day to the single people

   In unrelated news Julian Edleman and Tom Brady have just checked in to couples therapy...

   Sometimes I get irritated when people ask me simple or even complex questions.. like you have a iPhone right there and you know the WiFi.. Google it! Ugghh I hate finals

   anybody knows the booking agent to DR? its for my ex

   : The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contain real lemons?

   millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FR

   People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.

   My alarm clock is set to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can turn it off and sleep more.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.

   I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?