Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to Corona. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last a week.

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.