Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   poking you with a spork

   i guess its better to be picking daisies than pushing them up

   Just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   Give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

   thought they put covers on books so I COULD judge them.

   Here's a helpful hint: the fastest way to get a hold of a live person is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   I'm surprised the FHRITP guy is not at Ferguson screaming his catch phrase on the news...

   Men that make their women laugh get lots of sex - Science

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   I've given up trying to kill you for lent, enjoy your life for the next 38 days.

   How strong am I?...hmm, Is Whiskey a level?

   How do you say "I don't care" in every language known to man?

   My field of dreams is just a fully stocked liquor store.

   Get close so I can push you away. ~ humans

   wait till they get a load of me.. or is that from me.. I can never get that line right

   I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.

   I'm as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.

   Most people on their 16th Birthday get a car, I got an inflatable dinosaur costume and not gonna lie, I'm in love.

   Who wants to babysit for the Duggars' and the Romney's at the same time?

   I'm tired of forced interactions and unnecessary communications, just saying!