Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In case if emergency, your seat cushion may be used to choke that annoying crying baby closest to you.

   I believe Harry Potter is real. My faith in Him is unwavering. I can prove his existence by quoting from a book. Stop ridiculing my faith!

   President Obama has invited a group of top Republicans to watch the Super Bowl with him at the White House. That should be a lot of fun. They're gonna need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos.

   Ya know, Joe Biden sayin' "If I hear one more Republican tell me about balancing the budget, I am going to strangle them," doesn't frighten me NEAR as much as Nancy Pelosi threatening to release her flying monkeys!! ....just sayin'....

   eating bacon with Mohammed.

   How can you tell when a democrat is lying? When his lips are moving!

   Its official. The Rose Garden has been replaced with a watermelon patch, and the kitchen turned into a KFC.

   I'm not anti-religion, I'm pro-reality.

   because we didn't evolve from CURRENT apes... we evolved from a comman ancestor whose population was split and separated geographically 6 million years ago and evolved in different directions. DUH!

   Idea for a Christmas Party: Have two guys dress as Jesus and Santa Claus. One brings wine the other brings Eggnog with vodka. Santa brings his 12 reindeer playboy bunnies. All at your mother-in-law's house. ONE BIG JINGLE FOR THE YEAR.

   If my grandkids ask how Trump got elected, I'm gonna say that Breaking Bad was so awesome that everyone in America ended up on Meth!

   Donald Trump knows darn well who David Duke and the KKK are and he welcomes their endorsement. He just doesn't want to openly admit it.

   So do we need new stricker Bomb laws now?

   "What comes after the letter T?" Normal People: "U" Me: "Wait. A, B, C, D, E, F, G....."

   Your picture on Facebook (`▽´) .Your face in real life : (‾(••)‾)

   A woman bragging to a man about her college degree is like a man bragging about slam dunking on a woman.

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Flattered when someone rearranges one of my status updates as their own... Thanks

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and get pocked my guys you don't really know.