Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate dealing with the "middle man" so Wednesday, please hurry and go away and let me see your Boss Friday... Thanks!

   Some kids were dropped as a baby ... you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, hitting the wall, and tossed out the window..

   The only thing scarier than Christine O'Donell is the thought her being in office and in charge of the nuclear codes.

   loves that you are nonodys friend until facebook tell you that you are.

   I got my free meal from Applebee's today, it was good to see fellows Vets of all ages getting it in. Although I swear some of them old guys look like the may hay survived the war of 1812 I'm glad we enjoyed it together. Now who's pouring free DRINKS for u

   saving his breath, I need it to blow up my date

   Think about it If there where no men in the world there would be no crime, but all women would be happy, and Fat!

   Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

   just ran across the road to grab a chicken for Lunch

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth

   there once was a time when these things made me chuckle... but not anymore

   The only difference between the lead singer of Hanson and Justin Bieber is that we know Bieber is a girl!

   I feel so bad for people who have $500,000,000. They can only call themselves millionaires, and yet they're still so far away from being billionaires.

   My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

   there a logical reason why Chelsea Clinton looks more like Janet Reno than Bill Clinton?

   Too bad the Russians couldn't influence the vote in the House today. Trump might have a chance to win if they could.

   Trump is researching if he has the power to kick Rosie O'Donnell out of the USA. Um, shouldn't he be focused on better and more important issues? He has some weird priorities.

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality

   How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?