Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   needs an elf to wrap presents…..oh and do the laundry too while your at it.

   Since saying "Happy New Year" doesn't seem to give people much luck, she's going to say "Have a bad New Year" and turn thier luck around!

   Has used many of these's [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅] to help women further their education..or say that was what I was told at the time...

   at the crossroads of life and has taken the road less traveled........only because of my stupid "Tom-Tom" those GPS devises can be very irritating sometimes.

   advising to talk to the status.... the hand is not listening!!

   I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls.

   i would punch you in the face. But you Don't even deserve that

   Hates it when you are waiting at a red light for a long time with zero traffic then it changes to a flashing yellow.

   With no natural predators the last hope for humanity is pinned on the Internet giving idiots just enough information to cleanse themselves from our gene-pool

   Happiness is cruising in the fast lane, maybe just a smidge over the limit, and the cop car right behind you, that you hadn't noticed, turning his overheads on. . . and immediately crossing over the median to go after some poor slob going the other way:-)

   Love,Live,Exist and be loyal. The rest is a piece of cake. You only live once so live your life right

   a nite with me is like giving a gun to a 6yr old...you don't know how its gonna end, but you know it's gonna make the papers!

   I feel like I'm beeing internet stalked

   I am fairly certain that the last thing to ever fail on my car is that god damn signal that warns me that I am not wearing my seatbelt.

   Dreams touch your heart and soul, it is a magical memory that unites fantasy and reality.....Welcome aboard to “Sweet Dreams” airline, All passengers on bed hug ur pillows, as the flight will be leaving soon to dream land. Enjoy your flight…“Good

   ...knows the difference between "should of" and "should have" since 1979!

   my voices started talking spanish and right in the middle of a sentence then changed to russian....what do you think that means? I dont understand any thing but English. I'm starting to think they are planning a War against me

   I feel like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance...But just to be on the safe side I'm gonna go get some! If I'm found dead,I would like them to be sued for false advertising.

   You guys seriously f**k to Justin Beiber? That's sad.

   ...thinks that the web loaded slowly enough before someone came up with the brilliant idea of adding all of these Facebook "Like" buttons...