Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Everyone's up in arms over Pepe LePew romancing a cat. Newsflash: Most men are skunks and we romance pu$$y. Same difference. And I can promise you that trait isn't learned from a cartoon.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.