Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.

   They're called "The Wonder Years" because you wonder where they went.

   Disappointed to tune into the Olympics to find that curling wasn't a Bicep competition.

   Have they invented the Sitbit yet ..its more my "fit"

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   "I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"

   I just heard that Prince just went to Chyna.

   I picture Trump as president constantly logging into the White House twitter account and retweeting all the tweets from his account.

   Why in 2013 do semmingly smart broadcasters with english or journalism degrees continue to say "same exact"?? It's effing dumb stupid...

   If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.

   There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time...

   It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet.

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends

   There is a difference from being catwoman and catlady...

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....