Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Must be hard playing Wheel of Fortune in Canada when everybody is constantly saying "A"

   When I'm at a club and the DJ says "Raise the Roof!" I'm always like "no thanks!" I came here to dance not to do carpentry.

   My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.

   Stop comparing rap lyrics to what Trump said. Now I feel like I can't enjoy 2 Live Crew's music until I know their stance on global warming.

   Does anybody out there know the Google Map Satellite image co-ordinates of any Nudist Colonies?

   You don't need to dress up as Harley Quinn for Halloween, you're 38.

   Last night My wife asked me to take her breath away, so I hid her inhaler

   So what if the white man stole our land. Thousands of them die each year from our tobacco and we steal their money at our casinos........

   Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."

   You can tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod.

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ