Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”

   *stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist

   Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

   A clean house and finish projects is the sign of someone who hasn't looked at Facebook in a while.

   Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.

   If a status update gets posted on Facebook and no one likes it did it really happen?

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   They say crime doesn't pay. So does that mean my job is a crime?

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   They can't prove none of your pants fit anymore if you never wear pants.

   Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!

   I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.

   So Wikileaks is real now, or did is the 21 russian hackers reported today fake?

   In school I think all of our wives got straight A's in buyology.

   Moms, Save money on cereal by putting generic cereal in a bran name box. That way the kids will never know their eating generic cereal.

   Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak