Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.

   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That explains the low accident rates.

   I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   Il take a bullet for you! But not in the head, like in the leg or something

   Ok England fans...you were saying?...."sounds of silence"

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor

   The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   I hope these "reduced guilt" brownies help me get over that hobo I murdered

   Today's weather in Cali....hotter then 5 fat girls in a min cooper with no a/c

   Steve Jobs was the Apple of our i

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   If Godzilla had a son his name would be Jesuszilla?

   come on playstation network you were hacked and have been down for 5 days, learn from Jesus, he was crucified and only down for 3 day

   I only have a Facebook to see where everyone is at, so I can avoid running into them.