Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   Landon Donovan post match interview in 2010 is the finest example of what we can expect from team USA in the beautiful game.

   it is good to see soccer marches happening at that tattoo festival in Brazil

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another...

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Relationship Status: After carefully weighing the options. Willing to give loneliness a try.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"