Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It said in the paper 'Sex pest wanted by Police', I rang up to see what the hours were

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! We have a conundrum. Search for paper... and bring me a rock.

   there anybody else alive out there!?.. is that a No? If no one answers then I'm just gonna assume that's a "No" and that I can walk the street to a local gas station at 2:00 AM completley naked..."

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...

   I'm so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members

   Erectile disfunction commercials make watching TV with your parents akward!!!

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   Why is it I always get on an airplane to ultimately get seated between someone that doesn't believe in deodorant and someone that weighs 300lbs? This is why people hate flying

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   Dear BP CEO: You can have your life back as soon as you fix that pipe.

   enjoying a stiff one. A stiff drink, you dirty-minded people!

   Went to go check my Mega Millions ticket and got pissed off because the clerk sold me a Powerball ticket instead. Oh well I guess I'll just fantasize about winning 34 million now instead.

   Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   Sean Spicer must wear flame-retardant pants to every press conference to keep his pants from igniting.

   It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.

   I can't believe we all have to suffer, just because some idiot really wanted to eat under-cooked bat soup.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.