Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.

   Why aren't all of the social justice warriors out helping hurricane victims?! Too soon?!

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   I don't really care which baseball teams stand for the National Anthem inasmuch as I wish they'd make the game a little less boring. The national pastime is past its time.

   People always write "Congrats" in their FB posts because most don't know how to spell "Kongrajulashins".

   Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.