Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we go without somebody not whining or being dramatic in a post for at least a minute?! Nope, too late.

   Life Lesson 585: I should write a book about things not to say: Like, it is very unwise for someone to tell a lady struggling with a diet that they would actually loose 10lbs by shaving their back hair. The doctors tell me I should be able to walk again

   at taco bell eating 30% beef and 70% surprise

   I'm in time out because apparently riding the dog like a small pony is outlawed in this house...grrrrr

   took the red pill and woke up broke in Vegas. Thanks Morpheus.

   you may be "special" but you are not uniquie.

   that mini heart attack when you think you've lost something.

   walking along smiling to myself with the autumn sunshine,warming my face, kicking the golden leaves like in my childhood... WTF clean up after your god damn dogs! mutha f***ers!!!!!!

   FYI - Tomorrow is Hard Hat Friday......

   going to a halloween party with my girlfriend. I'm weraing nothing but a skillet tied around my waist and she's wearing nothing but a pair of boots. Going as Peter Pan and Puss in Boots.

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. Not meant to go together. But shake us up and, hell I dunno, put us on your salad.

   Dear John Edwards, Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you!, Sincerely, Anthony Weiner

   Love is much more interesting when you have a DIRTY mind.

   Well Doc , there I was sitting on the crapper with nothing to read and then I spotted my wife's wax . The rest of the story speaks for itself .

   One good way to reduce alcohol consumption, before marriage drink when your sad, after marriage drink when your happy.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   if you're on a flip phone in your profile picture, it's time for an update...

   I will take a dose of my own medicine...But I will also chase it with a shot of tequila.

   6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY