Funny Status Messages
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Nickelback to play Boston bombing victim's Concert. In related news, Train to play relief concert for those who saw Nickelback.... (etc.. Bieber) 
Well, I'm no geologist...but that looks infected.
Bored at work? Put some habanero hot sauce in the office ketchup bottle. Still bored? Pour it in the office coffee pot.
NYC Shine on you crazy diamond
The awkwrd moment when someone waves in your direction and you wave back then you realize they were waving at someone else.
Hey guys? You know while I hope you are all enjoying Halo 4, Black Ops 2 and Metal Of Honor? I would like you to know that some of us single guys that have a life are enjoying your girlfriends as well! You know just sayin.
No matter how much you shake & dance, the last few drop fall in your pants
Worst FB moment in your life... Friend request from your mom.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.
I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.
Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.
If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.
Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?
Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.
Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?
The new mac pro is 9.9 in long and black...Does the white version comes in 6 in?
It's too bad religion doesn't have the same first rule as fight club.
So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?
The majority of my childhood was spent naming one of my settlers in Oregon Trail after an enemy then doing all I could to help them die of dysentery
I was raped in jail ! My friends take monopoly way too serious. 