Funny Status Messages
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I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any. 
Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. đ
Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?
At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.
A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet
Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.
[15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.
When youâre dead, you donât know youâre dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when youâre stupid
After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.
20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel
I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
Did you realize that "Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog" is a palindrome?
Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.
I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.
Look who's here! Psst.....hide the liquor.
My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong
If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?
My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover. 