Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   Paul Manafort and Vladimir Putin walk into a Russian vodka bar. There's no joke. It's just business.

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....

   While we're all talking about it, can I suggest a Fish n Chip truck on every other corner?

   People playing Pokemon, Blink 182 having a hit song, a Clinton running for Pres., a Tarzan movie in theaters. Welcome to the 90s.

   Happy 18th birthday Google. You can officially go to a titty bar G ( . ) ( . ) G L E👍

   Doesn't matter who the public votes for president, it's up to the electoral college! get over it people

   Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.

   I want a chiropracter to crack my body like a like a glow stick during a hurricane

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Roses are Red, They go in a Bucket, They cost 60 dollars So you'd better...

   It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...

   daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.