Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day 
My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.
One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...
According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes
The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.
What kind of psychopath scrambles their eggs in the pan rather than before they’re put in the pan?
If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?
A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart
Ain't it funny how the night moves
When you just don't seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in....
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…
My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant. ”Beef feet” say die.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon
Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes. 