Funny Status Messages

   Having a beard while wearing a suit says "I am a professional who might go through your trash later."

   My favorite religion is Skepticism.

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...

   Aaron Hernandez is already proving to be a hot prospect for several prison gangs, and he is expected to be drafted quickly.

   My Facebook wasn't working this morning, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people....

   If Caitlyn Jenner can win woman of the year I see no reason why Donald Trump's hair can't win the Westminister Kennel Club Dog Show.

   Kindness, compassion, open mindedness, and unconditional love. That's my religion.

   If God wanted me to be a Vegan, he wouldn't have made chickens so damn delicious!

   This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen Noodles

   If Wesley Snipes had paid his taxes our country wouldn't be in this position.....

   Penguins car breaks down he takes it to the shop goes across the street for an icecream but cant eat it very well because he has a beak. Walks back over to pick up his car mechanic says looks like you blew a seal penguin says nope just icecream

   I call bullsh!t!!...only took about 10 min's and the water was boiling…watched it the entire time….

   This year's national billiards tournament in Vegas was cancelled. Charlie Sheen bought up all the eight-balls.

   I read someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds. I'm not one to judge people, but that guy gets married wayyy too much.

   The brunette asked the blonde why there were bullet holes in the mirror. The blonde replied, "because I tried to commit suicide...it didn't work".

   NOT FAT! I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP