Funny Status Messages
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i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal 
I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me
Why does Facebook ask what's on my mind...I am a male of the species so it should be bloody obvious!
Your're born, you live, you die, figure out whatever the hell you want to do in between...
has decided to unleash years of ninja training on the world =.= OR I'm just gonna eat supper and go to bed....hmmmm....well I guess the world is safe for another day
Don't Facebook and drive!
Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.
I Just got super excited when Ice-ice Baby played on Pandora, Does that mean that I'm getting old? Yo man lets get outa hair, Word to your mother!!!!
just woke from a 2.5 hour tryptophan-induced coma.
Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos.
It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south. Hurricanes and tornados, people still go to work, but let a white flake fall out of the sky, and oh Sh*t!!!!
For now on I'll have to make sure the bottle of KY jelly and the bottle of superglue are properly labeled. Man was that painfully awkward.
CAUTION: Blonde Thinking
says Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
Motorola is coming out with a new droid phone called the Kobe... conversely, they are always coming out with the Lebron phone too, except the only difference is it doesn't RING.
"Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things and an upside down 4.
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
It's tough to be such a sex symbol.
Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality
Knew something was up when Melania Trump started talking about the challenges of raising two daughters, Sasha and Malia. 