Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LOL at all these losers on Facebook on a Saturday night. I'll be here all night.

   You're the only one who wore a yellow scarf to class.. don't blame me for shouting "10 points to Gryffindor!" when you got a question right..r

   I thought period sex was when you dressed up in colonial clothing and got your freak on.

   I have a bad habit of dropping pants as soon as someone knocks my bedroom door.

   I wonder how many women refuse to date me because my hair is better than theirs.

   • The first time, it's an accident... But the next time someone throws an egg McMuffin out the window and hits my car on the highway, I'm going to put them in the wall.

   Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.

   I made this diet where I had to abstain from fast food and alcohol. After only 2 weeks I've lost 14 days.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best , then went shopping at walmart.

   3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere.

   I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.

   I get my daily starches through vodka.

   I'm just a guy searching for love and someone to bang the hell out of.

   Dude, I gave you a pen not a chew toy!

   I know my limit....until I start drinking

   with the intergration of females into the NFL referee ranks the need for instant replay will soon be a thing of the past. In my experience WOMEN ARE NEVER WRONG!! SO this is a Win!!Win!!

   Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.

   It should be an Olympic event to press "skip this ad" on YouTube before I find out what it was for.

   they did an MRI of my brain.....they found nothing.

   You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.