Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its amazing how those that do the least to fix the problem complain the loudest.

   There's two sides to every coin, which makes cents.

   At the end of the day, a clown somewhere is busy washing off the makeup after a hard day at the circus. A woman somewhere is also doing the same.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.

   But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

   5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

   Those girls who give you a hug just because you know one of their friends. Heaven was made for people like you.

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.

   I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

   I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.

   Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!

   A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream