Funny Status Messages

   In 2 seconds you'll be singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" in your head.

   Thanks to A-Rod, the Anthony Weiner scandal has kinda petered out.

   Why a Beer is better than a woman! 1.A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another! 2. Pour your beer right and you always get good head! 3. You always know when youre the first to pop a beer! 4.You can have several beers in a night and not feel guilty

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a life saber to open it...

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   After I do something I compliment myself in my mind using the voices of people I know.

   Ladies; Go bra less, it takes the wrinkles out of your face!

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   My one and only wish is for all the pretty lesbians to turn straight and all the ugly lesbians to remain lesbians.

   watching day after tomorrow and the news at the same time. its almost like watching the same thing!!!

   I might be your ex but I'm better than your next.

   It sucks when you're on Facebook, and you see people having more fun in their lives than you do.

   Sheen 2012! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   Dear the Midwest, ha ha ha ha ha! Your friend the south

   Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease and irritate each other, knock each other down, but can't live without each other.

   I graduated with a 4.0 … Blood Alcohol level.

   I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."

   I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.