Funny Status Messages
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easily doubled his money by folding it in half and putting it back into my pocket 
My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.
money don't change you, it changes the people around you.
Last night, a car crashed into a Taco Bell by my house. Customers were shocked to hear screams and explosions that weren't coming from the bathroom.
While Prince may have found his mother demanding. Maybe she just didn't want to see him wear a frilly purple suit everyday
Hurting someone who really cares you is as easy as throwing stone in the lake, but you will never know how deep that stone goes
The drunk text from a guy you decided not to go home with is like the ankle grab from someone you just shot
In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take
If the 2nd only covers muskets and cannons, then healthcare only covers band aids and tylenol. Libera@1 logic at its best.
Indi@n people win spelling bees, Jeopardy championships, and collegiate scholarships. They know everything...except the existence of deodorants.
Trump hooked hiis drive out of bounds on the sixth hole today. Blames Democrats.
Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.
Why can't Mexican learn to speak our English language? I've learned to eat their food!
If someone calls you fat, Don't get angry, just turn the other chin.
If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.
Best invention ever; a mirror that takes pictures
Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?
My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken
Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.
People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father. 