Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?

   I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach

   A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

   It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   Hey Dems, send Jill Stein your money. She's doing a recount of the Super Bowl.

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.