Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.

   The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.

   My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know... I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   There is absolutely never a good reason to substitute "anywho", for real words like anyhow or anyways...Ever...I think I would rather listen to fingernails scratching the blackboard...

   Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"

   I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? Now you do..

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the media could cure the Corona virus with a bigger news story.