Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, thank god! My barbecue will not be postponed.

   looks like Harolds ass will be camping outside the Pearly Gates by his damn self.

   By the time my vacation is over my memory foam will have lost itz mind! :)

   I take an on ramp to the freeway as if I'm heading to the checkered flag...wish everyone else did!!

   Here's what I've learned about dogs: They're a lot like pretty girls. Having one or two around makes everything more fun, but when you get a whole bunch together, it turns into one big power struggle.

   Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

   so has a friend ever used your PC and caught your google searches on accident? as In if they where searching "Minnesota" and when they typed "Mi" "midget porn" pops up

   Following the death of Eddie Stobart the other day, a film is being made of his life. It looks good, I've seen the trailer!

   somebody please reassure me that i'm not the only one not happy with the way talent and fame are becoming inversely proportional.

   comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable

   If I ever get a firm grip on reality I'm gonna choke the sh*t out of it!

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

   I am not nearly as funny or entertaining in person, but I sure think I am when I have a few drinks.

   Anyone else think Charlie Sheen snorted the fine line between recreational use and addiction?

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am going to assume you are one ugly puppy with extreme low self esteem.

   Osama Bin Laden is enjoying his 12 virgins right about now.

   Not bad for 2 weeks worth of work. President's birth certificate and BI LADEN's death certificate!!

   So Irish terrorists planted a pipe bomb in the luggage compartment of a bus. Thank heavens there was a last minute decision for her to travel around Ireland by limo.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.