Funny Status Messages
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Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare. 
I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.
Trumps first hour in the whitehouse - Clean up all the crack baggies
During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!
There's a difference between being tan, and looking like you've just been beaten with a bag of Cheetos.
What would we do if the T-rex came back? Sadly, scientists believe weapons would be useless. However, we could humiliate them by forcing them to wear tiaras which their tiny arms could never remove.
If you think 7 yrs is bad luck for breaking a mirror, try a broken condom!
QUESTIONS-I-HATE - Can I see your phone? No its called an iPhone not an usPhone!
Won't get the test results til next week, but the giant shoes & makeup suggest I may have Clown Syndrome
Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my d@mn cur$e words. You m0ther forklift.
WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird
I don't respect a woman if they have sex on the first date, unless it's with me.
But all that aside Mrs. :Lincoln...how did you enjoy the play?
I don’t care what people think of me… At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
What do you call a woman with no gag reflex>>>>>>>>>Wife!
How do they even grow boneless chicken's?
I don't like the Republican Party and I don't like the Democratic Party... I just like to PARTY
everyone under 30 is moving to CO and WA so Dems will only win 2 states in 2016...
My phone broke. I took it back to the Sprint store and they didn't want to give me a new one. They said "Nothing works 100% of the time, except Mexicans"
"I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever 