Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so old that “Getting lucky” means I remembered where I parked my car at the grocery store.

   Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm weak anyway.

   I'm so old every year my family makes me a bigger birthday cake just so they can fit all the candles on it.

   A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

   If someone makes meat based vegetables, I'm in!

   Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

   Tis the season to be freezin.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

   Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn't realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It's causing quite a stir...

   I can't wait for the next played out toilet paper memes to surface.

   Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending people never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   now we're talking post below.. funny post finally

   I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

   Should marijuana be legalized? Let's have a reefer-endum.

   What's a Kleptomaniacs favorite band? Take That

   Tiger King is like watching the UPN Network version of The Lion King, produced by Jerry Springer.

   Darn Facebook is so packed with traffic I had to walk over from Instagram as someone parked in Myspace.

   I am so bored, but not ckean house and do laundry bored.

   At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

   I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.