Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.

   Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.

   The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!

   I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.

   "The worst fault that people have is telling other people theirs."

   ‪Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you. ‬

   I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.

   The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   Somewhere at this moment there is a masseuse with a ring from Super Bowl XXXVI walking into a Pawn Shop.

   I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.

   When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.