Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

   oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”

   Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them

   My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker. In fact he drank Canada Dry

   The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...

   Never trust a woman born on her birthday

   *My mother inlaw is so old, that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

   I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...

   Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   “Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."

   Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment!

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were.

   [robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

   Just find out there’s no popcorn on popcorn shrimp. Guess there is no reason to try Pot Roast ‬